Back to "Real" Life.

I'm back from Generation Church Camp 2010. If you happen to be reading this and have ever been to a GC camp, you probably know how I feel. God is a expert at exceeding your expectations and blowing you away with His love. God did a deep work in me that has "messed me up" in the best possible way- He's tearing down my pride and all my self-sufficiency and teaching me that He needs to be the One who meets my every need and desire. He is enough for me. I cannot get the fulfillment I desire from pleasing people- but I do need people in my life and I do need to learn to be open and vulnerable at times. I will never cease to be amazed by God's heart for people as I continue to experience it for myself and develop a burden for those who do not know Him.

Anyway, on the way home from camp I was conflicted. I was coming home to my frustrating job, my car that needs an oil change and hasn't been washed in almost two months, my stack of receipts and unbalanced checkbook, a SAT I need to start studying for, a stack of library books I still need to finish, my generator (middle school girls small group) that I need to invest in and prepare for, and most of all the memorial service the next day for my adopted little brother whom I never had the chance to meet. I was frustrated, exhausted, stressed out, and completely unmotivated to tackle my life. I remember saying to myself, "if I could just quit my whole life for a week I would be ready to take it on," but life doesn't give you that opportunity. And yet on the other hand I was coming from youth camp, the ultimate "mountaintop experience"- where I was refreshed and fired up in the deep, abiding presence of God.

I was quite a mess. I hate talking about myself so much, I feel ridiculous...I just glanced upwards and saw how many times I had used "I" already. So here I am on the fourth day of trying to finish this post and I've come to some conclusions. God isn't scared of my confusion, frustration, anger, questioning, doubts, fears, insecurities, imperfections, faults, failures, and mistakes. That's why Jesus Christ came and died and resurrected. For me to live in the constant shadow of my inadequacy is to crucify Him all over again. Our frustration with ourselves leads us to the foot of the cross- but we aren't meant to stay there. We are to take up our cross and follow Him-into the world, into the messes, into the pain, into the dying society around us. I've come to believe that so many Christians are stuck attempting to live up to a label of moral perfection- we have our own genre of music, our own "christianese" vocabulary, our own "christian" t-shirts, our cross necklaces and purity rings. But are we so caught on living up to this American christianity that we have forgotten the Christ? Don't take me the wrong way- I enjoy some of that music and buy those shirts. It's not the fact that it exists that's at fault- but the fact that we have separated the sacred from the secular and we aren't "going into all the world and making disciples" anymore. We're hiding our comfortable christianity within two hours on a Sunday morning and maybe a midweek service or youth group meeting here and there. The simple reality is that Jesus Christ was not a brand or a genre. He was iconoclastic, revolutionary, and just downright unusual. He ate with tax collectors and sinners. He loved prostitutes and the demon-possessed. He let the little children come to Him and said those who want to be greatest must be least. He ran from earthly power and prestige. He had no place to lay His head!

The bottom line is that there is something deeply, intrinsically wrong with American so-called-christianity today. When we stop loving the least of these no matter what they look like, when we are more concerned with campaigning against gay rights and abortion clinics without asking why they exist and how we can help stop it, when we think politicians are the answer to out problems (and God forbid they be democrats!), when we sit back and wait for people who don't even know our Jesus to fix the mess we've all made we have lost the Christ in Christianity. I am guilty on all points- I've bought into it all and even advocated it. But God's leading me to ask some of the hard questions. Read the Gospels with fresh, un-westernized (that's probably not the proper term!) eyes and stop-ask yourself what you're doing wrong if Jesus really meant what He said. It has certainly thrown me for a loop.

Now I'm trying to figure out how that came from what I was talking about at the beginning of this post! Ha. God is so good. I don't have to know why or have it all figured out. He's in control, and if I abide in Him He will abide in me and truly, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Even that has become terribly cliche. Lord help us.